


The Five Times the Others Didn't Understand and the One Time They Did

by OldeScratch



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Animal Death, Blood Loss, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Bugs & Insects, Cannibalistic Thoughts, Caring Deceit | Janus Sanders, Caring Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders is Not Okay, Fire, Hurt Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, I'm sorry Thomas-, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Logic | Logan Sanders is a Smart Boi, Mice, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Myiasis, Necrophilia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Religious Discussion, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Harm, Self-Indulgent, Skin Hunger, Swearing, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violent Thoughts, all those warnings come from remus' thoughts, also a Harry Potter one for which I'm sorry but I couldn't come up with anything else, but putting 'mentioned' before them takes too much time, can i call it a sword fight if one has a mace?, dont do what remus does to get attention Please, i missed some tags please inform me if i should tag something, i tried okay, if orange appears within a month after i finish this i legally get to murder someone, im just one being i cant remember everything, im just one fanfic writer im too lazy, its remus what do you expect, janus is very ooc im sorry, remus hurts himself for attention, someone help remus please, there is One Megamind reference, this is going up on tumblr after i post all the chapters on here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24513442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldeScratch/pseuds/OldeScratch
Summary: Janus raised an eyebrow at Remus, gloved hand reaching for his orange juice. "Remus?"Remus had stopped. His fork was still in his hand, chair still leaning back. He stared, wide-eyed at the waffles.Patton removed his hand in a hurry, quickly giving him an apology and turning to the others, specifically Logan and Roman. "Here's the toast--I'll go get your Crofter's, okay?"Remus felt Patton whisk by into the kitchen. Conversation around the table resumed, relishing in his silence.After years of doing everything he could to quell the chill set deeply in his bones--taking flames to his flesh, locking himself in an iron bull, getting struck by lightning multiple times in a row--this was...(Or, Remus learns how touch feels, and later learns how to get it.)
Relationships: Adri White, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Joan Stokes - Relationship, Talyn - Relationship, Terrence William Jr.
Comments: 116
Kudos: 456





	1. Patton

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr Link: [https://olde-scratch.tumblr.com/post/625184069490262016/the-five-times-the-others-didnt-understand-and]
> 
> I know this is extremely out-of-character for Remus but-  
> Let me indulge myself darn it-

The first time it happened involved Patton. Of course. Because Patton.

Remus was sitting at the dining table with the self-proclaimed Light Sides, right across from Roman so he was the first thing his brother saw when he looked up. That placed him facing away from the staircase at their disproportionate dining table.

(Patton had insisted that they stretch the space between the living room area and the kitchen, leading to a very big table and a not-entirely-accurate recreation of Thomas' home.)

Remus had been stabbing violently at the waffles Logan had made them all, leaning his chair back so he was sure he'd fall eventually. He blabbered on about what would happen if he did fall, especially with the fork in his hand.

"It could spring out of my hand and land in my eye!" he chirped.

"Do we have to keep him here?" Roman groaned.

("--and then I'll go blind and the wound'll get infected--")

"Yes!" Patton insisted, arriving from the kitchen with a plate full of toast that he'd put in, which was about the only part of breakfast he made.

("--and the blood will go everywhere and I'll bleed and bleed and I might even get all the way through--")

Patton placed a hand on Remus' shoulder after shifting the plate into his other hand. "We may not see eye to eye with him..." He paused, nose wrinkling at the reminder of what Remus had been discussing. "Er... We may not agree with him, but he and Janus are welcome at our table."

Roman shoved a piece of waffle in his mouth with a huff.

Janus raised an eyebrow at Remus, gloved hand reaching for his orange juice. "Remus?"

Remus had stopped. His fork was still in his hand, chair still leaning back. He stared, wide-eyed at the waffles.

Patton removed his hand in a hurry, quickly giving him an apology and turning to the others, specifically Logan and Roman. "Here's the toast--I'll go get your Crofter's, okay?"

Remus felt Patton whisk by into the kitchen. Conversation around the table resumed, relishing in his silence.

After years of doing everything he could to quell the chill set deeply in his bones--taking flames to his flesh, locking himself in an iron bull, getting struck by lightning multiple times in a row--this was...

Patton hurried by him once more, handing Roman and Logan their respective jams. He took his seat and joined in on the conversation.

Remus let his chair fall back into place. He poked at his waffles mindlessly, no longer interested in mangling them.


	2. Logan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to everyone in advance-  
> Especially to Thomas and his friends-  
> I hurt because I love-

The second time it happened was with Logan.

Remus had never exactly been careful with... Well, with anything, really. Especially when he was being ignored. He shouted at the others and clawed at the couch and rammed his morning star through the wall and screeched with the power of the Kraken.

He definitely wasn't careful when the intrusive thoughts got too much for him to handle by just screaming, either.

His nails dug through the rumpled cloth on his arms, cursing the fact he was in the Commons while doing this so he couldn't turn his nails into claws. (Remus was technically Thomas' subconscious--he didn't have power outside his own room and the Imagination.) He would have gone to his room, but his legs refused to cooperate.

So, he shouted.

He shouted about murdering Joan and hiding their corpse in the closet and comforting Talyn as they cried and mourned. He shouted about inviting them to Thomas' house and murdering them in their sleep. He shouted about cooking them and serving them to all of Thomas' friends.

His thoughts shifted to the guilt Thomas would feel. Through crazed laughter, he informed the others of the nightmares Thomas would get. The amount of power Remus would have. Thomas going to share something on Tumblr with one of them only to realize they were both dead and he killed them and he'd spiral into a depressive state and ultimately end up killing himself and everyone in the Mindscape would slowly fade out, shouting at Thomas to call the police after he downed the whole bottle of pills and--

"Remus?"

Remus banged his head against the wall, harder than he'd been unconsciously doing for the past few minutes. "And he won't be found until days later when someone comes to check on him!" he continued, arms burning. "Imagine Adri's face if she shows up and finds him dead on the floor!"

"Remus."

"Or Terrence! Think of how horrified he'd be if he found out that Thomas had murdered his own friends and killed himself in a threeway murder-suicide!"

" _Remus._ "

"And in Hell, Thomas will be tortured for eternity with the knowledge he _murdered_ his own friends--people that trusted him with their _lives!_ And he _killed_ them--!"

His words were muffled as his bloody hand suddenly snapped itself over his mouth. He shouted through his own hand as Logan knelt before him once more after thanking Janus.

"Remus," Logan spoke, voice calm, "can you stand?"

Remus cackled behind his hand, beginning to shout about what would happen to the Sides if Thomas had decided to go through a slower death, stuff he himself couldn't even bear to think about--

Logan took a seat before him. "May I touch you?"

Remus yanked his hand away from his mouth. "Why would you wanna touch me?!" he shouted, unable to control his volume. "I'm disgusting! I'm everything bad! I'll remind you what happens if Thomas kills someone. Remember Just Like Heaven?!"

Logan noticeably winced. "Yes, but Thomas would never hurt Joan, nor Talyn, any of his friends."

"I could make him do it!" Remus promised, feeling the last shreds of muscles he'd been working at tear. "I could wear him down and force him to stab straight into Joan's legs and wait for them to bleed out!"

"Thomas would never do that," Logan interrupted. "And none of us want that to happen--you included."

Remus threw his head back and slammed it into the wall with a harsh thud. "What if Thomas fucked Joan's corpse?!"

"Okay!" Patton interrupted, standing up. "That's enough for me--goodbye!" He sunk into the floor with a pained expression. Janus followed him with a "good luck" to the others.

Remus continued to shout out about whatever disgusting thing that came of continuing that train of thought.

Virgil and Roman hurried off soon after, leaving only Logan.

"Thomas would never do that. It will never happen."

"But what if it did?!" he laughed.

"It will not. I will ensure it... You're starting to sound like Virgil."

"Panic! at the Everywhere wouldn't like you saying that!"

"Virgil does not like most of what I say--he embodies Thomas' irrational thinking, while I embody his logic. Every thought we have directly combats the other. Though we do not harbor ill will towards each other, we simply disagree on what is best for Thomas."

Remus extracted a hand from his arm, staring at the dry blood. "Would you two still fight if Thomas was dying?"

"Thomas will most likely not be dying for a long time," Logan explained. "I try my best to ensure he eats healthy and exercises when possible."

"But he could still get hit by a car! Or a train! Or a plane could crash on his house! Or! Or! Or he meets an angry alligator!"

Logan glanced to the side. "While you aren't wrong, none of us would have time to react to the first three. As for the fourth... Well, I suppose we would just avoid angry alligators."

"Alligators can climb fences!" Remus informed. "Thomas once found that out and I put it in his nightmare!"

"Yes," Logan agreed, "I remember. Patton was horrified."

Remus threw his head back and laughed hysterically. "He was!"

"Can you stand?"

Remus shook his head. "Nope! My legs feel like jelly!" He gasped. "What would happen if my legs _actually_ turned into jelly?!"

"Someone would eat them," Logan joked, the tiniest of smiles playing on his lips. "Would you like some help cleaning your nails?"

Remus tilted his head. "Help?!" he repeated in a yell. "Who would help me?!"

"I will," Logan said, standing. He extended a hand to him. "I always will."

Remus stood himself up in an instant, beginning to shout something suggestive before he cut himself off. His vision swayed as something warm wrapped around his torso. He felt himself go rigid.

Logan hummed, obviously displeased. "You must have lost too much blood," he reasoned. "Not only were you tearing the skin on your arms, but some of it's on the wall. Although I don't believe you could cut anything on a flat wall..."

Remus felt his mouth open and close like a fish, struggling to focus on anything but how _warm_ he suddenly was. "I was scratching at the back of my head earlier," he struggled out. "I created headcrabs in the Imagination like in Half-Life but they latch on to the back of your head and try to burrow their way through your skull--"

"Very nice," Logan said, beginning to lead him to the kitchen. He set Remus up on the counter across from the fridge. He pulled away to--

Remus let out a whimper and grasped at Logan's polo.

Logan paused. "Remus? I need to get the first aid kit. It should be close by--just yesterday, Roman cut himself in the Imagination on a stone and refused to move from the sofa until he got a bandage."

Remus squeezed his eyes shut before prying his arms away from Logan. "It hurts," he whispered.

* * *

Remus sat in his room, his now-ripped shirt clutched in his arms.

Bandages ran up and down his arms, the skin beneath it throbbing. The back of his head had turned to a dull ache.

He was freezing.

Logan didn't seem to regret touching him. Not when Remus was around to see, anyways. And he touched him a _lot_. More than Remus had ever been touched.

(His breath hitched at the reminder of the burn.)

He'd tried lighting himself on fire, but that was painful. Logan (and Patton) touching him still hurt, but it was accompanied by a sort of high that left Remus wanting more.

_God_ , he wanted more. More more more--

Patton had flinched away. Logan hadn't.

What had changed what had changed what had--

Remus was hurt.

Logan hadn't flinched away because Remus was hurt.

So in order to get more touch, Remus had to hurt himself, right? That was easy! He did that all the time!

But no one paid attention to him them...

Attention. Pain. He hadn't expressed pain. He'd been in pain, but...

He shivered.

He could think about this later. For now...

Remus summoned a lighter and some gasoline.

_God,_ he was cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear Remus is my favorite you guys you gotta trust me on this-


	3. Roman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman may or may not be OOC-  
> I tried-

Remus strode confidently through the barren redwoods. Another day, another battle with precious little Roman who got all the touches he wanted from his "Light Side" friends.

He stepped into the clearing where Roman was waiting, sneering at the lush oaks his brother stood against.

"Surrender!" Roman called, wielding his sword with fervor. "Or face the wrath of the Light Sides!"

Remus cackled, swinging his morning star over his shoulder. "Don't fuck with me!" he shouted. "I have the power of God and anime on my side!"

Roman's sent Remus a disappointed look. "Really?"

Remus grinned at him.

His shoulders sagged. "You are _so_ annoying," Roman whispered, though he quickly readjusted himself so he was in a battle stance and shoved a smirk on his face. He raised his voice to ask Remus, "Are you ready, Remus _Losin'_?"

Remus responded by charging. He swung his weapon down onto Roman, who simply sidestepped.

"That the best you got?" Roman teased smugly. He slashed his sword out at Remus.

Remus knocked the top of his weapon into it. He took a step back.

Roman thrust his sword at Remus' side.

Remus jumped away. He swung at his brother with reckless abandon, more concerned about damaging Roman than protecting himself.

Left-right-dodge-left-step _-hit him-_ right-right _-hit him-_ dodge _-hit him hit him hurt him hURT HIM HURT HIM--_

"Now, it's time for some witty back-and-forth banter!" Roman shouted. "You go first!"

Remus dropped his jaw and _shrieked_.

"Okay, look, I'm not sure where to go with that!" Roman responded, parrying an otherwise-deadly hit.

Remus' grin widened. He slammed the morning star into the ground where Roman had once stood.

Roman feinted to the left, stabbing at Remus' other side.

The thought of moving barely crossed his mind.

* * *

Roman blinked dumbly at his now-bloodstained sword, a muted terror evident in his expression. He looked over to the side of Remus' torso, hands shaking ever-so-slightly.

Remus followed his gaze

"I, um--" Roman cut himself off. He gestured vaguely to Remus. "Are you--Are you going to heal that?"

Remus dabbed a finger at the blood--by which I mean he just about stuck his entire finger into the wound--and looked back up at Roman with a grin. "If I could still feel pain, this would hurt!" he chirped.

Roman visibly gulped, going pale. "Okay, yeah, uh--heal? _Now?_ "

(If I could put multiple question marks without it looking weird, I would.)

"Why would I do that?!" Remus forced out, the adrenaline beginning to wear off. "If I leave it, maybe it'll get infected! Maybe I'll even die! Do you think we can die?"

Roman carefully set his sword on the ground before taking slow steps towards Remus.

("If I could die, I probably would have already! What if I'm dead and this is just the afterlife?! What if I'm already in Hell?! I know I'll be going there eventually but--")

When he neither attacked nor ran away, Roman placed a careful hand on Remus' shoulder ( _oh God oh fuck it burns dont stop_ ), muttering, "You have no concept of self-preservation." He waved a hand over his brother's waist, allowing the Imagination to work its magic.

( _dont stop dont stop please dont fucking stop_ )

"Why didn't you move?" Roman asked sternly, eyeing the red dripping onto the grass.

( _please please please more please Jesus fuck_ )

Remus shrugged, panic crossing Roman's eyes at the way his still-healing skin split, working against the magic healing it. "I dunno," he answered truthfully. "I didn't want to."

( _it's so hot so hot it's always so cold please more_ )

Roman's free hand twitched like he wanted to shake some sense into the green idiot he had the pleasure of calling his brother. "You are literally the stupidest person I've ever met," he settled on.

( _so warm more please please it burns more_ )

Pouting, Remus wiggled, unable to do anything to the now-healed flesh on his side. "Hey! I'm not stupid! I'm just a different kind of smart!"

( _feels like fire but i need more please please please_ )

Roman raised an eyebrow. "The kind of smart that complains when I nick you, but thinks getting your arm half cut off is a good thing?"

( _please more dont go_ )

Nodding vigorously, Remus smiled.

( _i dont wanna be cold anymore_ )

Roman hesitated before letting go of Remus' shoulder. "I... I think that's enough for today," he said, quickly backing up to pick up his sword.

( _no no no no nO NO NO PLEASE NO_ )

He raised it and angled it at Remus. "You may have won this time, brother, but we've still got a war to complete!"

Remus placed a hand over where Roman had held his shoulder and grinned. "Fuck you!" he called.

Roman shook his head at him, disappointed, before he ran off into his side of the Imagination.

The coldness was already setting back into his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES TIL SOMEBODY GETS HURT-


	4. Janus

Remus craved heat.

Normally, Remus craved a lot of things. Pain, blood, gore--stuff nobody else really liked. Or tolerated.

Well--okay, ~~J~~ anus did, but he'd learned to live with it. He and Virgil had been stuck with Remus for years; he didn't really have a choice.

Due to Remus' _interests_ , his version of Thomas' apartment looked like it belonged in a post-apocalyptic world. The couch had gashes in the cushions. Remus had bashed his TV with his morning star however long ago. Blood and other multicolored fluids (like ectoplasm and slime and other gooey stuff) stained the curtains and the carpet. His dining table sat in pieces scattered by the broken bookshelf.

The kitchen hadn't fared any better. The fridge didn't close, and the freezer had something trapped inside it (Remus had forgotten what it was, but he had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with another side). The oven door was lost somewhere, and only one burner on the stove worked. In one of the cabinets nested some sort of creature that had dozens of eyes, ten-inch-long nails, and spoke only in clicking sounds.

Remus emptied a cracked cup of white powdery stuff you sometimes find on chocolate bars into the pan, sprinkling it atop the melted plastic and whatever else he'd sprinkled in. (Something flammable, probably.) He paused before dropping the cup in, too.

Flames engulfed his concoction.

Hm. Definitely something flammable in there.

Remus shivered. Maybe...

His hand crept towards the pan before plunging itself in, melted plastic engulfing his fingers. Heat licked up his arm, the skin on his hand peeling off into the plastic.

The hot metal burned into his palm as he squished it through the rest of the ingredients. The smell of burning flesh reached his nose.

A door behind him calmly opened before--

" _Remus, what are you doing?_ "

A sort of muffled heat grabbed his shoulder, jerking him away from the flames.

( _not enough not enough why the hell isnt it enough_ )

He grinned at the newly present Side in his kitchen. "Hello, J- _anus!_ " he chirped.

( _its not enough anymore what happened it used to be fine_ )

Janus cursed and waved a hand at the fire, making it fizzle out in an instant. He shooed away the smoke to look down at Remus' hand.

( _why isnt it warm enough it used to be warm enough_ )

Remus tugged at the melted plastic, dragging already-hardening pieces up with him, strings of it following up.

( _its not warm enough why why why i need more_ )

"What did you do?!" Janus demanded, dragging Remus over to his sink. When he realized his sink was thoroughly broken, he swore once more.

( _why isnt it enough please it needs to be warmer please please please_ )

"I wouldn't worry about it, Pretentious Python!" Remus assured.

( _why isnt it enough anymore its not warm enough wHY ISNT IT WARM ENOUGH ANYMORE--_ )

Janus glared at him and snapped his fingers. The plastic disappeared, leaving only his burnt and bubbling hand. "Heal yourself _right now_ and answer the question."

Remus cackled. "Ooh, you're not lying! You must think this is serious!"

Janus tightened his grip on Remus' wrist. " _Remus. Now._ "

Remus began to prattle off about how he wondered what would happen if he mixed the ingredients currently in the pan and froze them and warmed them up in the microwave before chugging it down like a dying man in a desert--

"Why did you stick your hand in the fire?"

"'Cause I was cold."

_Still am_.

Janus sighed heavily. "Heal yourself before I do it for you."

Remus whined, but he slowly allowed the skin to mend itself. It always felt weird when another Side healed him-- _especially_ Roman; they never let him keep the muscle damage or _anything!_

"Now..." Janus began as he watched carefully watched the burn marks disappear. "Thomas will be having a self-care day, as per my instructions..."

He began to lead Remus out of the room, one hand pressed firmly against the small of his back.

"Patton wishes for all of us to have a movie night, and he wants us to attend..."

As Janus explained that everyone was going to put two movie names into a hat and pick from that, and Remus' hand seemed to shake with the burning underneath the surface, Remus wondered if he could convince someone to touch him, quickly banishing the thought.

No one would get within five feet of him without cringing.

A chill spread through Remus, barely skirting around the hand on his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Janus is not in-character and I'm Sorry-
> 
> But I do have a list of nicknames I created for him that includes (but is not limited to):  
> Immanuel Kaant, Viper-tentious, Fanged Flapper, Venomous Vagabond, and Pretentious Python.


	5. Virgil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning: this is incredibly graphic in the sense that Remus' mind it not okay. Very violent. Much discretion advised.  
> Also, I don't know if Virgil is OOC, but I don't know how to fix it-

Remus sat underneath his stairs, his chest heaving. Before him lay an overturned pot, resting on a piece of plaster from when he removed the wall. The floor around him shined from the liquid spattered on it.

**_snakes dont have six arms chop them off janus doesnt need them snakes dont have arms_ **

A broken sob tore itself out of him, cracking and progressing into a scream. He ran his hand through his hair, yanking and pulling. Cold ran through his body, making him shudder.

**_pattons literally the heart what if someone tore his out imagine the pleading and the tears_ **

His vocal cords burned in his chest. Strands of hair hung from his shaking fingers. Warm and presently cooling water dripped from his scalp, mixing with the cold running down his cheeks. His skin blistered, bubbled, and burned, the cool air swirling around them.

**_claw out logans brain take away what makes him logic watch him cry and scream just laugh at him_ **

Remus fumbled for the pot and filled it back up with scalding hot water.

**_virgil needs more arms tie him down and use the bones to stab through his skin_ **

He poured the water over himself, silencing the thoughts and quelling the chills.

His throat throbbed as he screeched, another wave of tears rolling down and merging with the steaming water.

"Remus, what the heck are you..."

Remus shook the water out of his face, jerking away from the sound. He kicked the pot accidentally, sending it a few feet away from him. He coughed violently before waving a hand to heal himself partly.

"This place is even worse than I remember," Virgil said, moving from where he'd popped up on the stairs. "Which I honestly didn't think could happen."

Remus summoned his morning star, warm water still dripping from his hair. He pushed himself to his feet and clambered out from under the stairs.

"Why are you wet?" Virgil asked, wrinkling his nose up at him.

Remus lifted his morning star over his shoulder before swinging it at Virgil.

Virgil yelped and stepped back. He glared at Remus. "What the _fuck--?!_ "

"Get out," Remus snarled, voice cracking.

Virgil wrinkled his nose up. "Excuse me?"

"Get _out!_ "

_more arms stab them into his skin make him bleed listen to him scream_

He let the morning star fall from his grip. His entire body shivered, making him curl in on himself.

_spider eyes don't look like that tear them out tear them out tear them out_

"Remus...?" Virgil asked.

_rip his neck open tear his throat out yank his hair out of his scalp_

Remus dug his hands into his hair, stumbling backwards. " _Get out! Get out! GET OUT!_ " he screamed.

**_shove his head in a wall right through the plaster smash his skull_ **

He dropped his jaw and screeched. Pain flared up in his throat.

**_OPEN HIS MOUTH AND YANK OUT HIS TEETH RIP INTO THE SKIN ON HIS CHEEK_ **

His knees thudded to the ground. A cough welled up in his chest. Blood spattered onto his tongue.

_**SHOVE KNIVES IN HIS EARS DISLOCATE HIS SHOULDERS BREAK HIS ANKLES** _

A chill shot through his limbs. He tugged at his hair and screamed.

**_TEAR HIS JAW OFF RIP THROUGH HIS SKIN AND USE HIS OWN BONES TO BEAT HIM_ **

" _Remus?! Remus, just breathe--_ "

**_HAMMER NAILS INTO HIS EYES CRUSH HIS SKULL_ ** _\--_

Heat wrapped around his wrists, tugging them away from his hair.

Red sank between his nails, his hands quaking. Salty tears and warm blood ran down his face from his eyes and scalp respectively.

_so warm so warm oh its soooo warm--_

" _Remus, please just--just breathe, okay? Where the_ fuck _is Janus when you need him--_ "

_its warm its warm oh god--_

His vision was blurry. A strangled sob tore out of him, itching for more contact.

"Remus? Remus, can you hear me? Just breathe--focus on me, okay?"

Remus nodded dumbly, focused on his wrists more than the one holding them. He allowed Virgil to dictate his breathing until he was satisfied, relishing in the warmth that burned his skin in such a delicious and addicting way.

When Virgil decided Remus was calm enough, he spoke: "Can you just--um--can you just stay here? Alone? Or is that too much? I need to get Janus--I can't summon him--"

_enough enough this isnt enough janus isnt enough more please more_

Remus let out a whimper. "No--" he rasped. "Not enough--"

Virgil furrowed his brows. "What? What do you mean?"

Remus hacked and spluttered, unable to get another word out. His throat burned as though he'd eaten fire; his hands shook like they were in an earthquake.

"Okay, just--just stay here, okay?" Virgil instructed, carefully removing his hands in case Remus tried to hurt himself. "I'm gonna go get Janus--"

Some sound reminiscent of a dying cat came from Remus as he grabbed out at Virgil.

Virgil pried his hands off of him and sank out.

Janus appeared barely a minute later, explaining that he'd been busy trying to convince Thomas to take the night off instead of editing the next video, and that he figured it had been Remus summoning him to show him a pin he'd stuck through his lip or something else idiotic.

He'd had Remus sleep in the Commons instead of his own room, though that did nothing to stop the crippling chill that set deep into his bones.


	6. (+1)

Remus was fine.

_take a mouse tear it in half rip its jaw from its body_

He thought he was supposed to be doing something with another Side, but...

_hold the mouse up by its tail and dangle it over a pack of hungry dogs_

But he couldn't quite remember who it was, nor what he was doing.

_what if maggots just started crawling out of my arm what was it called myiasis_

Vague, muffled sounds reached his ears.

_just imagine them wriggling their way out of my arm pulsating and digging their little hooks into my skin_

_Remus? Remus, are you listening?_ "

Remus blinked, realizing he was sat between Roman and Janus in the Sides' Commons. "No," he admitted with a grin. "What were we talking about?"

Logan let out a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose from where he stood in the middle of the Commons. "We were talking about your recent behavior. Did you space out?"

"I was thinking about taking a mouse and ripping--"

"Okay!" Patton interrupted from beside Roman, Remus beginning to babble quietly to himself about the mouse. "Logan, how about you run that by us one more time? But _very_ quickly. I only understood half of that."

"I explained it using the simplest of terms," Logan said, furrowing his brows. "How did you _not_ understand?"

"Our dear heart here politely requested for you to repeat yourself!" Roman said, looking slightly offended.

"Yeah!" Remus chimed in, looking up from where he'd mimed shoving his fingers down a mouse's throat and tearing it in half. "The deer heart got bored by your stupid science talk!"

Logan looked over at Janus and Virgil. "I applaud you for dealing with him and not going insane sooner."

"We still haven't recovered," Virgil grunted.

"Remus," Logan stated firmly, turning back to him, "it has come to our attention that your behavior includes incredibly self-destructive tendencies, some more... for lack of a better word, _creative_ than others."

"That's my job!" Remus chirped.

"Your job isn't to hurt yourself!" Patton cried.

"That's not all," Logan said, "though that response is concerning. We have also seemed to notice that you respond to physical touch. Analyzing your reactions, along with said behavior, I have come to the conclusion that you either suffer from touch-starvation, also known as skin hunger, or you are incredibly touch-averse and react this way because you are rejecting the touch so severely."

"Ooh, _skin hunger!_ " Remus repeated. "Sounds like a fancy way to say cannibalism!"

Logan tilted his head. "Fair, but we have more pressing matters than your obsession with eating people. What does touch feel like to you?"

"Warm," Remus said. "Really warm. Not as hot as fire or boiling water--cause I've tried both--but just really warm and... nice?"

"It's strange hearing you use that word," Roman admitted, shifting.

"I assume that means you're touched-starved," Logan said. "But, just to test that theory... take my hand." He held out his hand to Remus, palm up.

Confused, Remus reached out and took it, only for heat to engulf his hand. His fingers curled around the heat, fingers shaking.

Logan hummed. "The theory is correct. Neither of you noticed this sooner?" He glanced at over at Virgil and Janus.

"I was--" Virgil hesitated, shrinking into himself. "--scared of him."

"He _always_ reacted when I touched him," Janus admitted. "Probably _not_ due to the layers."

"It might have something to do with his role as intrusive thoughts," Logan said, staring down at the way Remus grasped at his hand. "A need to be acknowledged and told to stop than to be ignored."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah; self-care and all that," Roman said before turning to Remus. "Why didn't you tell me? I'm your _brother_."

"No one _wants_ to touch me," Remus told him, still focused on Logan's (very, _very_ warm) hand. "I'm a stinky trash rat!"

"No!" Patton said. "Well, yes to the second thing, but... I figured you just didn't want to be touched." He glanced at the dining table before shaking his head. "Nevermind. Remus, can I give you a hug?"

Remus finally tore his gaze away from Logan's hand. "Really?!"

Paton nodded before glancing around at the others. "Or would you like a group hug? Or is that too much? Logan said something earlier about you getting overwhelmed and Virgil said that being overwhelmed is no fun at _all_ and then I remembered back in _that_ video with the frog thing and--"

"Pat," Virgil interrupted, "let the stinky trash rat speak."

"Maybe just one for now," Remus settled on after a moment's deliberation. "I can't kill five people at once on such short notice."

"Really hope you're joking about that!" Patton chirped before practically throwing himself over Roman's lap to hug Remus.

Remus tensed at the contact before his entire body seemed to just sink into Patton. The chill that had been set deep into his bones seemed to fade, replaced by an addicting heat that made him dizzy. He numbly wrapped his arms around Patton, shivering.

Roman huffed and said something, but Remus couldn't find it in himself to care.

Warmth seeped into his skin, making the surface tingly and oh so _hot_. Thoughts about mice and maggots and cannibalism vanished from his mind, focusing only on Patton.

Patton, who seemed to hold him just a little tighter than before.

He buried himself further into the other Side's arms.

Remus... still wasn't fine. But he had a feeling he would be. In time. This wasn't something he could imagine away partly--some things couldn't be rushed. A decaying corpse, for example. That required a lot of patience Remus rarely had and it never turned out right if he tried to just imagine it to be carrion.

Remus wasn't fine. But he would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS DONE.  
> I'm gonna go upload this to Tumblr now okay byebye-


End file.
